boxes of time

As I walked into the village to get groceries this morning, I was thinking of this blog, I was thinking of Facebook.  I thought of how often I sit to blog something and end up being on FB. 

I was talking to my hubby the other day about how I have come to completely ignore most chinese characters on packages and things.  Brad has characters he can recognize because he pays attention.  I explained that there is a process that goes on in my brain constantly.  Information is offered to me and somewhere inside of me I decide whether it is needed or not.   If it is deemed 'un-needed' is thrown out never to be remembered again.  Now being the person I am, it seems funny to some that I can remember small personal details of people's lives that I have heard once, but not recognize a character that I look at every single day.  But alas, that is who I am.

So what does this have to do with blogging and FB you may ask.  Well, I have a certain amount of energy or brainspace saved for things like 'socialnetworking'.  I have allowed the FB world to gobble up that allotment.  This was part of the reason I resisted Fb for so long.  I do realize that on days that I feel a bit lonely on this little island, FB gives me a false sense of connectedness (not fully false as there are many people I am able to stay in touch with thru, but you know what I am saying).  Thus I use up the certain allotted energy.  Not sure what I am going to do about it, but there it is.

Yes I am also FULLY aware at just how cliche this post is.  I have read so many of them.  I hate being cliche but there it is. 

Complete and total side note.  Wanted to share just how global our lives have become here.  Last homeschool meet up my dd was playing with a two girls.  One from Singapore, and one from the UK.  The game they were playing...........Mongolian Migrants!  Love love love it!!!!!! Today the kids are playing with a family from S. Africa currently living in China, and another family from here on the island who are bilingual in Cantonese and French.  Things that make me smile.

Been a long time, Been a long time, Been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely time.....

Okay, so it has not been all that lonely at all, but as soon as I thought of starting this post that song started to play in my head.
I come by it honestly, this habit I have of having a song for everything. My mom ALWAYS had a song for everything. I mean, every moment, every situation, every event, every frustrating moment, and every funny moment, she was SURE to have a song to sing about it. As kids we loved it, as teens we pretended to be embarrassed and hate it, now it is one of our favorite memories of her.

Anyways, it may not have been lonely, but it certainly has been a long time.

The reality is, I just didn't feel like posting. I realize this is bad for business, or viewership. But that is my honest moment. I just had no desire to be here telling you about me.

Then a few days ago, I suddenly thought, hey, I should post something again. That could be fun.
So, here I am.

Summer is slowly fading. It is actually a truly wonderful time in Hong Kong right now. Should you ever decide to visit this part of this world, this is the perfect time to come. The humidity is down just slightly, the days are still warm, but the evenings are beginning to cool off. I am loving it. We are pulling out our winter wear and hanging it outside in the sunlight to get rid of that 'slightly moldy' smell.

We are also preparing for a visit to Canada in just over a weeks time. We are excited about this. We are talking through the myriad of emotions we are sure to go through. All the glorious hello's, and all the tearful good-byes. So important and good, but hard.

Anyways, I think I will stop there for now.

It feels good to be back.

I'm sorry

The last item we needed to be able to move into our house was a bed. Of course there are about 5 million places in Hong Kong to buy a bed, but being able to afford the bed was the issue. So we searched and searched the local classifieds for expats. There is always a tonne of stuff for sale on there because of all the people who come here to work for a few years, but then sell things off for cheap when they leave. But, we were having a really hard time finding an appropriate bed for us.
Then, we found one. We were excited. It was only a mattress, but that was fine, we would figure out the frame with time. So we set it all up, Brad left this morning to help p/u the bed.

Then he calls. They found a bed in the school storage for us instead.

That is great!

really, a good thing.

But that meant I had to call the lady who was literally waiting for the delivery truck to p/u the bed.

I had to call and tell her we would not be coming after all!!

I hate hate hate hate hate hate having to make calls like that. I am one of those people who half entertains the idea of sending a text message instead!!! I mean, I wouldn't really, but still I thought of about it for that split second. Or two.

But I didn't. I called and apologized as whole heartedly as I possibly could.

The response was.........well, she hung up on me.

I felt horrible.
Maybe we should just buy the bed anyways, I thought. Well, that is silly. But, for a few moments that seemed so much better than having a complete stranger not like me.

Okay, so we have some people pleasing issues to work thru yet. Oh well.

a thought on cultural differences

I have been thinking about culture differences (I guess that is a bit of a given lol).
And I have been thinking about moving out of our room (I guess that is a bit obvious as well hehe)

See, when we tell most people here the amount of space we live in, they really are not shocked, or surprised, or give me the sympathy I am desperately looking for. They just nod and say 'Oh yes'. And sometimes give me the look of wondering why I am complaining. Of course I smile politely, but inside I wanna shake them and try to make them understand how it is to homeschool and live in a one room where the bed is our learning quarters, sleeping quarters, eating quarters, relaxing quarters, etc etc.

But then ahhhhhh,
I must stop and think about those cultural differences.

First, homeschooling is completely and totally foreign to them. They don't even have the reference of 'that weird family down the road'. They just don't know anything about it.

So, how can they understand my frustration. They can't. And that is okay.

Yes, most people here live in very small quarters. Even with children and grandparents and a helper in one house. But, the kids are gone for school many hours a day, then they often have tutoring after hours. If they are lucky they live close to a school, but many kids spend a long time traveling to and from school (much like myself as a youngster growing up on the prairies). The evenings you are always seeing the kids running around outside, playing basketball, hanging out. If at home, you mostly see them, doing homework or maybe watching TV. Quiet sit down activities.
So, they don't spend a lot of time in the house.
So how can they understand my slippery slope of insanity of living a life of a homeschooling family here.

Please do not read this as a 'my life is better than theirs and they just don't understand'. That is not were I am going with this at all!!! Just giving you yet another glimpse into the mind of Cristal. Please come again!

The same.....yet oh so different

As you know we lived in Shanghai 5 yrs ago. What an incredible thrill ride that was! Crazy, but so fun, and short. 6 months (hubby 7 months).

We are going into our 5th month here. It has flown by. But it has a completely different feeling knowing that last time I was starting to think of returning home, and now, I feel like I have barely begun to settle.
That is a good thing, because we know this time it is longer term. It makes so much sense that our feeling of being settled has really just begun. I know that once we move into our other house that the feeling of being settled will hugely increase. I am desperate for that.
I have been struggling with getting enough homeschooling done. My mind has been busy fighting off feelings of failing. When I look at the logistics of schooling in our room here, I understand why it is more of a 'bare bones' than a full on learning experience, but still. The voices can be so ugly, and laced with truth.
Shanghai was just so easy really. And this time it is harder.

I have been pondering this.

I have been crying out to the One who sent us here. When my mind is so busy, it becomes difficult to hear his voice. But I need to hear his voice so desperately. I need his direction, because left on my own, my way becomes confused quickly.
The kids and I discuss His call for us to come here. We talk about holding onto that. Not because being here is our salvation, but because the Voice that called us, is our only firm footing in this life. Without hearing his voice I am lost. That is a sure thing.
So tonight, I am crying out to him to help find my rest in him and him alone. I know that when I am at rest in Who HE is, than all my other questions are answered.

Too be content in nothing by the sweetness of His love!

2 months and counting

Now, it is two months.
Things that were once new and exciting or frustraring are becoming every day. Everyday in a wonderful way.

I don't stand in the grocery store completely dumbfounded as to how to cook a meal. I know how to take the MTR without a vague sense of panic that perhaps I am going in the completely wrong direction. I have 'my' produce vendor they know me/I know them and it is comforting. These are all unto a sense of settling in and that is good.

But, the reality. I knew what we were giving up. We made the choice to follow the voice that calls. I don't miss our van, or our house, or even Great Canadian Superstore and all its millions of choices of cereals. I miss my friends and relationships. I miss seeing smiling face or talking on the phone and not feeling the need to explain who I am or why I am. There is great comfort in that sense of belonging. And I miss that. I do!

I see the beginnings of a relationship like that. It is precious to me. I am thank-ful.

But I still miss those faces that flash before me. To be held dear in a glance. To be understood. To be counted as precious.

I am not sad or dissapointed, just sharing my heart in transition tonight.

May you blessed today with community who love and support you!

To sleep, perchance to dream

so there I was, suddenly in China. It had happened so quickly I had not even had time to finish packing the house up properly or say good-bye to everyone. As I sat in an unknown school, meeting new wonderful people, I sat in amazement at how suddenly we were where we had waited and waited to be.
But.........
those darn mosquito's were so bothersome. We all had tonne's of mosquito bites, and they were so very very itchy. And they kept buzzing around my ears. buzzing and buzzing and buzzing. I kept thinking, why had I not bought that mosquito repellent before we got to China. I had it on my list of things to buy and bring along, but it had all happened so quickly, I had not gotten around to it. Dangit!

and the buzzing, in my ears again and again and again how can I make it stop.



no I am not in China yet.

No I did not have pizza last night.

Note to self. Ask Landlord for screens on the windows!

Oh, how fickle the mind

On the weekend we got some great news from our contact in Hong Kong. We were told to anticipate being in HK by mid August. Words can't tell how wonderful that was to hear. Like a yummy piece of fruit on a hot day, juicy to quench the dryness, yet oh so tasty and sweet.
With this also comes the reality. Yesterday I began to think of the good-byes, and the adjustments that will have to happen etc etc. So strange to feel so excited and yet..........I can't think of the word. I know the many emotions and changes that are coming.
Yesterday there was an ugly voice that started off very quiet. So quiet that I didn't realize I was hearing it, let alone listening. Then half way through the day I yelled at one of my children over something very small, and realized my heart was not all right. Then that ugly small voice got loud. Yet, as it usually goes, I still didn't realize yet that I was listening to it. I began to fear that I wasn't enough. I didn't have what it took to walk this all out, I wouldn't be enough to be a good parent, let alone a homeschooling parent, I would never be able to learn the language, me and the children wouldn't make new friends, and on and on and on. YUCK. In the evening my dear hubby asked how I was doing. As I began to tell him what was on my mind, it was only then that I realized the voice that I was listening to. I saw it for its ugliness. He helped me remember and see the truth. What a blessing to walk this road side by side with him.
I have been thinking about this voice today, and I may be wrong but I think a lot of people hear this voice. Is it wrong, is it truth? That is what we need to decided, that is what I need to decide. Of course it is easy to say it is false, but why, how. Today I will spend my time going to the Truth who tells me the truth. That is what I do know. I will remember all the roads we have walked along together, remembering. I am so thankful for my heavenly Father. Today I will listen for his voice. For his is the one I am willing to bet my life on. On him I will throw my dreams and hopes. Today I will remember that I am a daughter of the King.



I have been reading this amazing book called Taking Flight by Kelly Rae Roberts. This book has already been a huge inspiration for my painting and creativity, but it is also rather timely for us leaving as well.


To sum it all up, it is about letting go and enjoying the journey. Not only enjoying the journey, but embracing the journey.
I will leave you with one quote from the book.

"What in your life is calling you? When all the noise is silenced, the meetings adjourned, the lists laid aside.....what still pulls on your soul?"
Terma Collective

One life

My thoughts have been thinking on this for a few weeks.

One Life!~

Just one.

What does that mean to me.

How does that effect the choices I make?

I mean, it is pretty heavy when you think of this being it. These short 70 or 100 years we will be here for. What are the things that we can take with us after our last breath. What will I spend my breath here on? Will I use my years to pursue comforts for me and maybe a few people around me?

Or,

will I pour out my life. Will I spend my life on the things I can take with me?

This life is a gift, and I have to decide how I will use that gift. When my kids get a new toy, I am often giving them the talk 'think of how much more fun it will be if you share it with others rather than just hiding it away for yourself'.

I recently heard how someone described this life. They wrapped a rope around the inside of a large gymnasium, and colored the length of a piece of paper red, leaving the rest white. The part that is red is this life here and now, the rest is eternity. The challenge was of how we spend so much time thinking about that one short red part of our life. Yet in comparison to the rest of the rope, it is such a tiny part. I believe the rest of the rope is going to AMAZING!! There are so many wonderful things in the here and now for us. Me and the kids talk often how amazing it is going to be to live on the ocean, I have personally dreamt of living by the ocean for many years. I am so thank-ful for those blessings!

But, that is not it. Those blessings are not my fulfillment!



Eternity is the prize that I set before me. It is what will make all the good things I experienced here even better, and will make all the hard things I experienced here worth it.

But I believe it won't just make it 'worth it'. I am going to see those things in such a completely different light. Now I only see thru a glass dimly, but there, well, there I will see it as it is.

Won't that be amazing!

I can hardly wait.

Being seen

After my last post I have been thinking a lot about people and more specifically people's stories.

It is a powerful thing to share your story with people. We had some friends over last weekend and as everyone was just sitting around talking, someone started to share part of their story. From there, others began to open up and share a part of their lives that had some of the same elements. It was beautiful to see people hearts be opened to one another. For people to be seen and to see others.
Then yesterday, I was at another friends house, and we began to share our 'battle stories' and how we got through those times. Everyone was laughing as we remembered. We all recounted how we got through the long waits, the disappointments, but also the miracles we had seen and experienced.
And again, I noticed a beautiful thing happen. We all felt encouraged to continue in our journey. There was a strength that was breathed into each one of us as we simply shared our stories.












When I got home, I thought of history, and how many of the old festivals were really remembrances. Remembering the miracles, remembering to be thank-ful, remembering just to celebrate, and sometimes remembering the heartache. They would retell the stories of old,
passing on from one generation to the next.
I remembering being in China, and I would watch a group of women in my apartment complex. Every afternoon they would sit together. In winter they would move with the sun, and in summer they would move with the shade.


I would sit in my window sill and wonder what they talked about, wishing I could join in (even if I didn't knit). Often they would invite me to sit with them, but with my 5 words of mandarin, the conversation never got very far. But, over the months as I watched this daily ritual, I thought of the power of telling our tales. Sharing our moments of greatness, and weakness.
It is a wondrous thing how we were created, isn't it!


This last picture I found, and had to add it, just to remember part of my own journey. This was in Shanghai. I had taken the kids out for an afternoon in the park. And they are super cute if I do say so myself!! Aww, those were great days!

Girlie Girls

Last night I was invited to a pajama party. There was going to be movies, and chocolate fondue and lotsa fruit. Hmmm, fun, not fun, fun, not fun. Couldn't quite decide. I am not always a 'women's event' kind of person. But, a friend called and said she would go if I would go, so off we went. Plus, with being house bound for more days than is safe, I decided it was in everyone's best interest for me to get out. And it was also in my mind that one of the things I missed the most last time we lived overseas was friends to just hang out with, so why not enjoy an opportunity while I have it. My husband was super amazing as well. It was his birthday yesterday, and he had a major project to get prepared for school today, so I felt bad going, but he said it was fine.
I think he secretly he knew it was in his best interest to get me out!!hehe
I had a blast. It was great to catch up with some old friends while sitting in front of a fireplace. I love fireplaces.
At one point I saw a person whom I don't really know, but wanted to say hi to. A "hi" turned into an hour long conversation. It was such a gift. I love when you talk to someone that it would appear you don't have a lot in common, but as you share a part of your journey, you connect. You understand, and you see in their response that they are connecting as well. It is like a surprise gift. And it isn't just that I was understand, but the feeling of giving someone else the sense of being heard, understood, blessed. Valuing who they are in their journey, without trying to fix it.Even today, the sweetness of feeling understood and embraced remains with me.

It's not easy being green

I have a confession.
I have a deep love for the color green.
I don't know where it came from, and not even sure when it really started, but I am drawn to this color in a rather strange way. Maybe it is because it draws out my green eye color that I love, maybe, but who really knows. I recently filled out a survey on facebook (yes, I did join the ranks of facebookers after all my cries of never), and it was write 25 things about yourself. I think I wrote in there at least twice that I love the color green. My sister called me from three provinces away just to point out that it was a little odd.
Then the next day I had an almost complete stranger that I see on a regular basis (we pass one another dropping our girls of at school twice a week) come up to me and comment on how much I must love the color green.

I have these two green sweaters. So I wear them.........alot.

Then two days later, I had another mom comment on my love for green as she tried not to stare at my green shoes.
Those wonderful green shoes are one of many gifts I have been given because the giver knew of my deep love of green. I get so many compliments on these shoes. (thanks Lisa)

All these comments in such a short period of time was starting to get a little strange, and I thought perhaps I should start to feel a little more self-conscious about my love of this fabulous hue.

Those wonderful green shoes are one of many gifts I have been given because the giver knew of my deep love of green. I get so many compliments on these shoes. (thanks Lisa)

Once a friend was coming over and gave me a dish cloth because.....well you probably guessed it....it was green. I loved that, I thought it was so amazingly spectacular, and didn't use if for the longest time because it didn't want it to get dirty and stinky as all dish clothes do.

I have been given a bowl, because it had green rings around it, and I see it everyday and think of that friend too (Jenine, you knew)

Last year for my birthday, my hubby was in China. So my very vonderful friend took my children to buy me some gifts. They knew me perfectly. A green sweater, a huge cozy green blanket, and some chocolate. (no the chocolate wasn't green hehe) (Carrie -that was the best)

I was given a necklace that women in Africa make out of recycled paper, and yes it is green.

Right now I am sad, because my favorite necklace, green glass beads, is missing in action. My world is just not right with out it.

Oh the list could go on.

After thinking this all thru, here was my conclusion. Some people are known for their amazing singing, some people for their great cheesecakes.

Me, well, every time you see green, think of me. Those green sweaters and blankets have wrapped me in a happy coziness during this long cloudy winter. Those shoes, I will wear them, and love the spring the bring to my step. My fruit tastes better out of a bowl with green rings, and my dishes are cleaner because of the green cloth. I feel like a superhero when I were my green necklaces.

No, I will not be ashamed.

I admit.

I love green!

February

I don't know what it is with this month. I have tried to enjoy it, maybe even love it, but it just ain't workin for me. I am cold, chilled, right to my core. I am wondering if it is healthy how many cups of tea and coffee I consume in a day just to try and stay warm. Most days I just want to crawl under my coziest of blankets and have a nice long nap, then make a great cup of coffee and read a book. That doesn't work too well when I am supposed to be educating my children, and making sure we all have clean clothes and unmentionables to wear. I do realize I live in one of the 'warm' pockets of this vast country of ours when it comes to winter. I really do have so much respect for my family who continue to brave those nasty prairie winters. Really, you get the prize. The one thing I am jealous of is the beautiful sunshine you get even when it is minus a zillion degrees. So, tomorrow I will make pink heart cookies with my children for Valentines day. We will call it math, reading, and health class. (oh how I love the homeschooling life) Maybe that is why someone decided to put Valentines in one of the dreariest months of the year. To give us something to celebrate - Love! And really, what could possibly be better to celebrate than Love. Then we will all crawl under big cozy blanket together and eat those sugary heart cookies together!

In the quiet of the morning

The house is quiet, the children are sleeping, even that cat hasn't come home from his all night prowls. This is a strange thing indeed. First, I greatly dislike getting up early, and it has never seemed to matter how early I get up, my youngest will always hear my toes touch the floor and he is up. Mind you, he usually loves to snuggle for a while, so I don't usually mind too much. (just don't tell him I told you that or he will be embarrassed hehe) But, this being surrounded by quietness, is a gift.



"Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of your wings will I rejoice"

Photo by talented Hubby



Last night was another wonderful adventure in painting. I had started a piece, but just didn't like it. This is when I discovered the beauty of acrylics, and I totally changed it. But the really great thing was the mistake gave it some depth. And I changed it to be all green. Really, is there anything better in life than something, anything, that is all green! I think not. My hubby had to do a grammar test while I was painting. Don't you just feel for him. He met someone recently who loves grammar and has taught it for 20some years. Oh the pain and misery, I can't even imagine how much I would have to get paid, and given vacations, and and showered with gifts of green things to ever do that. So we watched some Iron Man after and he felt much better!

Me and my many thoughts of today

First I couldn't get onto blogger for days, and just now I lost my post. I was in the process of telling you what a fabulous day I am having, and so, I am not going to let this take that away. I will just go and make a cup of coffee instead. I am positive, a great cup of coffee fixes just about anything! Well, in my world anyways. hehe

So the one other thing I was telling you was about a performer Cheryl Bear I had the great privilege and honor of meeting and hearing perform. Amazing. We bought one of her CD's and it is all my children will listen to. They are a family of 5, living in an RV ( and not one of those apartment on wheels kind), with the goal of visiting every First Nations community in Canada. I love that kind of stuff. I love it when I see people willing to take the hard road, because I know that the hard roads are paved with amazing gems. Check her out.

This week we had a fundraiser/information night about our move to Hong Kong. It turned out great. We barely fit in the room, but that was fine. The kids were loud, but I loved that. But I am so glad it is over. It is one of those times when you see a bit more of yourself. On the way home, I told my hubby that I laugh at myself for being so quirky. Earlier in the week, we were at an event and I really put myself out there, and loved it. But, then I was at our info night, and all I wanted to do was sit in the back with a few friends and chat. I hated having to be in front, and so I let my hubby do most of the talking (he did a fabulous job too). Anyways, I like it when I see things like this about myself, because I feel freer to be who I am, but also push myself to get out of my comfort zone as well. See, moving my family overseas doesn't really freak me out too much, but planning an event like this can completely raise my stress level. Okay, enough "Dr Phil takes a look at Cristal" talk.

I have to share what I am so totally excited about. My wonderful, amazing, beautiful (had to throw that in) sisters have booked a special get-away for just the three of us. No families, just us sis'. Our mom passed away years ago. I think most sisters are naturally close, but ours is a bit of a special bond because of that loss. We have never ever done anything like before, and booked the whole thing in just a few hours. It was one of the craziest, but funniest things I have ever done. And we don't even go for a few weeks yet. See, we don't' actually live in the same city, not even in the same province. We actually live in 3 different provinces. It truly is amazing what can be accomplished with the internet, long distance calling and skype!

So, I am now in the need for a really good book. I do this every few weeks or months. When my husband sees my starting a book, he usually tells me to have a good journey and he will see me in a few days. Once I start, I can't stop. I have to read until it is done. The house falls apart, everyone is looking for clean undies, but I read on. I usually even dream about the characters, and think about them for days, wondering how the rest of thier lives turn out, and deal with the dissapointment of not knowing for sure. So, if anyone wants to throw out a suggestion, I am all ears. The last one I read was "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini (Kite Runner). Wow, amazing. Exactly the kind of book I love. A book about someone who could be real, about a culture that I don't know that much about.

Okay, my kids are begging me to go and play outside, so out I go.

I wish everyone a day of finding the gems in thier road.

Taking Flight

Today is one of those strange days. Not to give you more info than you want, but I am doing one of those cleanses, and it is doing weird things to me. All day I have been almost grumpy, but not quite, almost thinking clearly, but not quite, almost happy, but not quite. I have wanted to do one for a super super long time, so if feels so good to finally be following thru. It really is wonderful. Really!
But, I haven't gotten out for a while. That is my problem. I love being at home, and so I stay home alot, but then suddenly I just really need to get out, away by myself (doesn't happen very often for SAH homeschooling moms). Tonight was one of those nights. But, I didn't have any clean pants, so it just seemed like to much work to go.
But it all turned out wonderful, I took my son's MP3 player, and went down to my laundry room, not to do laundry,(that's just silly) but to paint. I have dreamed of painting for so many years, and this is my year to do it. I know the laundry room doesn't exactly sound 'inspiring' but we don't' have a huge place, and it is the only place I could claim as mine, well, one corner of it anyways. Tonight it didn't matter how small the space, it felt like an open sky to me. I thought about a friends post on running . That is how I felt tonight.
As I was down there I also got to thinking about an email I just got. A new friend said "we are only given today ... tomorrow is not for sure, so we made the most of each day" Such a good thing for me to remember on so many levels. I thought of this wisdom as I faced my fears and painted. I painted a butterfly taking flight and thought of our move. It is so easy for me to want to figure it all out, to turn planning into anxiety. Instead, to enjoy today, to the fullest. That is such a cliche thing to say, but I love it. I love the journey. Really that is what it is all about. The destination I seek is not until I reach the other side. So this road, this day by day by day, what ever it brings, is my destination.
That's all, just a few thought rumbling around in my head.

Goodnight, sleep tight.

Fear

I once had a picture of my heart. It was this room, and the room was really quite lovely. It had a cozy couch, some candles, a few blankets, a lamp, great artwork, and of course....really fabulous coffee (that is a given with me)
This is where my friends came to visit. It was.......perfect.

But there, if you looked behind the couch in the corner, there was a door, it almost blended perfect into the wall, but the handle was just shiny enough that it was noticeable. I wanted it a secret. I didn't go in there, let alone ever ever ever let anyone else in there.

But one day I was asked to go in. With much fear and trembling I reached out for that hand that was safety, and followed thru the door. In that room I found many boxes. Boxes reaching to the ceiling. Automatically, I believed them to be all the 'bad' things I had done or would do, or had been.

I was asked to open just a few of the boxes. Only because I trusted the One, did I dare.

Shaking, I opened one box. Then another.

I was shocked, confused.

Inside the boxes were wrapped gifts.

Under the wrapping were little parts of me, of who I wanted to be, of who I was created to be, that I had hidden away. I thought they were not acceptable, not allowable. We only opened a few. It was all I could handle for the day.

Lovingly I took one out. It was a silly one. It was getting my nosed pierced. It was so refreshing. It felt so important. I had made a mark.

I think often of that, of how I had allowed fear to rob me of me. I hate that!

I have opened many of these boxes. Some were easy, some were hard. But all were freeing and revealing. Wonderful!

Now, there is another one to open. It has been calling to me for a long time. I have taken that box out so many times, it is getting quite worn. Those around me encourage me.

They believe in me.

And I hate the fact that I still allow fear to rob me.

I will think of how these boxes that I feared are actually gifts. And oh, how I love gifts. And really, what is better than a gift that is for sharing. That is like super oopper doopper double fun.

And fun can make even the hardest thinks better.

Strange Ways

The heart is a strange thing.

I have been thinking about my longing to return to China. The excitement and longing can take over my emotions so often. But, then I also think about the things that will be hard. Saying good-bye to family, not knowing when I will see them again. Uprooting my children from their home, friends, everything that is familiar to them. Being physically far from a community that loves me and my family. I know how my heart will ache to just have a friend to call and go for coffee with. Someone I don't have to explain myself too, someone who already knows enough about me to laugh at my quirky unfinished sentences. These things will hurt and I know that they will. Yet, exactly in that, is where the strangeness comes in. To long for something that I know will hurt.
But then I read about another family living overseas, and how a very legitimate need, was miraculously met. Then I remember. I remember walking in something that you just knew you were created to do. A glove that fit just so. Like breathing air that was meant for you to breathe ( well, minus the super icky pollution that just didn't ever wash off ).

There is a song that makes me cry every time I sing it. One part goes something like this
"It's gonna be worth it, its' gonna be worth it, it's gonna be worth it all!!"
That is where my hope is put. I know who is calling me, and I know his ways as sure. My heart will ache whereever I live and what ever I do. That is life. But if I fix my eyes on the promise, if I remember the why and the who, my heart can live in these strange ways.
Cris

How long?????

So here is my dilemma, I had to color my hair last night. I realize that upon first reading this it isn't life shattering, but this really is an issue for me, so please, indulge me. See, a few years ago, I was out on a girl weekend away. I was so excited. On our way, we stopped in this tiny little itty bitty town to get some snacks, and I thought "what fun it would be to dye my hair red, but just one of those wash out colors". I used to dye my hair all the time, and it was alot of fun. I think there was about 10 colors to choose from. Off we go, and guess what, it turned out GREAT! I don't mean to be vain, but I loved it and got so many compliments on it. So for a few weeks, I happily tossed my red locks around. But then I started to notice that the 'wash out' part was not happening.

Here is the background. I started greying when I was young, really young, like 19 young. But I loved it. And actually I got alot of compliments on it as well. Thus the 'wash out'.

So, when I noticed my red wasn't washing out, I had fun and just kept coloring. Quickly though, that 4-6 wk redo period became VERY loathsome. Because I have so much grey, I don't just get 'color' roots, but grey roots.

I want to stop coloring my hair. Really, I don't care that much. The fun has long long worn off. In moments of frustration I tell my husband I am going to do a Sinead (you know, the singer, Sinead O'connor), which is only a threat, because I don't think I could ever do that.


This post is dedicated to those who actually read the whole thing, and had any spark of sympathy for me

Ready to Get Into it all again

Suddenly last night, I found myself making chore charts for each of the kids, and even got creative and used markers and pictures. This is when I realized I have rested and am ready to start some normal routine again. Usually, my chore charts are a desperate measure to restore order, and look more like a harsh judgement of doom. It usually consists of larger black marker and boxes to be checked. No stars, no cute pictures to be seen anywhere. I also found myself looking up some fun new curriculum for the kids, and excited to finish off the school year. I realize it is only half way done, so I don't say that as in wanting to get to that finish line desperately, but rather, excited about how we are going to get there. Trust me, that was not my attitude just a few weeks ago.

One another note, I am off to go on a shopping trip with my 6yr old son. My children all got some Gift Certificates for Christmas, and so we are taking each child out on a special date to spend their money. Yesterday was 9 yr old daughters day, and tomorrow is 7yr old boys date (but he choose daddy). So, there he is standing at the door, calling me to go, so off I go.
The only reason I go to the mall at this time of year, is for my children. With their cute faces, anything is bearable!