Empty

Tonight as I tucked 2 of my little people into bed, we did what I like to call 'heart checks' - I ask them how their heart is doing. They both answered 50-50, 50% happy and 50%sad, each for different reasons. Then Ethan said to me "But mom it is okay that it is only 50-50 because I trust you". Oh Lord, be-still my heart. What a thing to be told by that precious little soul looking up at me with his big green eyes. What a precious weight to be entrusted with.

But then I thought, can I say that to my heavenly father. Do I have the honesty to tell him how my heart is really doing, but then trust him fully no matter what? Do I really? I am not sure. I know I want to, but I am not sure I do.

That is a hard thing to look at honestly and not turn away in shame.

If I allow myself to stand naked before him. Not for a split second, and then run for cover. But to stand - exposed.

I have been talking to my daughter about the joys of being 'known' lately. About how wonderful it can be for someone like your husband, friend, parent to 'know' your quirks and realize they still fully love you. How if you allow yourself to get past the feeling of being exposed and needing to defend yourself, there is a wonderful place of love and acceptance there.

That is what I am longing to know tonight from Abba father. To stand naked before him and relish in the knowledge that here, completely exposed before him, I am loved. Even adored. And remain there until it is more than just a thought or even a realization. But stand there until I can close my eyes, stand with my shoulders relaxed, hand unclenched, and breathe in that deep breath of life and love in his peace that fills my every fibre.

Lord Jesus, help tonight I pray!

I gave up

I had great intentions this week about getting our schedule going for homeschooling, and just life in general. Great intentions, that was what I had. It turned out to be one of those days. We did do some school, not a lot, but enough.
Last night hubby delivered the rest of the our furniture so we actually had a table to work on. It felt rather revolutionary actually.
This afternoon a volunteer work crew came to help clean up the yard. Now when I say 'work crew' you most likely have a mental picture of kids in jeans, t-shirts, and old runners! Well.......lets just say that would be an incorrect image. These kids were dressed to go shopping and impress every person they passed. High heels and all. And the mobile's never left their hands. Literally. Work gloves were handed out, and you would have thought they were handing out worms to be digested. It was very humorous actually. They did manage to pick up a few buckets of rubbish. The girls were very interested in us qweilo's (foriegners with white skin) who live in this big house, and I found a few of them peering into our windows hoping to sight Feshya.

Anyways, It was another adventure here on our island.

I will post pics as soon as I can.

Happy Easter everyone. May you always be Cross-Eyed!